The Target Conspiracy!

It has to be a conspiracy. There's just no other explanation for it. The only question's are: What is their motive? What could they hope to gain from their fiendish acts against decency and logic? Are the owners of the Target chain of stores the masterminds of this insidious plot against American civilization, or are they merely the puppets of some sinister cabal?

How do I know there is a conspiracy, you ask?

I went to Target today to by a new cooler to use as a lunch box for work. The first clue, the one that got me wondering, is the fact that at Target you enter through the left-hand set of doors instead of the right-hand set? What kind of diseased mind would twist the natural order of things so? Every time I go to Target, I always, always find myself heading for the right-hand set of doors, as any real American would, only to be brought up short by the baleful warning of the 'Do Not Enter' signs.

Later, in the Sporting Goods section, while studying the various models on display, I saw more evidence of a grand scheme to warp the moral values of society. It was subtly hidden in the capacity ratings of the coolers. The value was listed in 'cans' and we all know what that means: a twelve ounce aluminum can of your favorite beverage. But who buys a five pack? Or an eleven pack? Who, I ask you?

Finally, as I was heading toward the checkout area (and take note: there was no direct route from where I was. I was forced into a ciruitous path that led me past many 'impulse buy' displays!) I passed a side aisle and lurched to a halt. "It smells like Christmas here," I muttered. I turned, and sure enough, the side aisle was filled with festive decorations and wrapping paper. But what smelled like Christmas? The wrapping paper? No. Curious, I sniffed deeply. Pine needles! But nary a tree, real or fake, was in sight. They were using artificial pine scent to manipulate their customers! Very clever. But I'm on to them now!

So beware, Target Corporation! I won't rest until I uncover the true nature of your nasty little intrigue against all that is rightious in this world!